The Sacred Search: What If It’s Not About Who You Marry, But Why?


    In his book The Invisible Thread, Mark Bittman describes a theory he calls the sacred search. This theory suggests that we shouldn’t look for a “right” or “best” match in dating, but instead focus on finding a person with a mission and who you can work together on that mission.

    Dating is just one of the places where we look for this kind of person. After all, we spend so much time online today, looking for someone to share our lives with.

    But while online dating can be helpful in finding the right match in Theory #1, it only goes so far. Once you reach a certain point in your relationship, things must start going well on their own — on both of you.

    This article will discuss several ways to apply this theory to your relationship, including as part of The Sacred Search.

    The importance of partnership

    the sacred search: what if it's not about who you marry, but why?

    When we ask why marriage exists, we get a lot of nonsense about how it brings enjoyment and happiness to both parties.

    We hear about how great it is to be in love and surrounded by your loved ones, we read romantic novels to help us understand what this feels like.

    We hear that marriage is sacred, and that if you are not in a good marriage, you are missing something special.

    But what if the reason people get married is more important than what they choose to marry? What if the choices they make about who they marry have more impact on the future of humanity than any church wedding can?

    Perhaps it’s time to take a break from searching for the perfect partner and focus on finding one who can help them find one who can help them — The importance of partnership should not be downplayed, especially when it could lead to new partnerships and new relationships.

    The importance of parenting

    the sacred search: what if it's not about who you marry, but why?

    While being a good parent is not about being in money or having children, the quality of your parenting can have an impact on your future wealth.

    Many parents don’t spend enough time with their kids. They run off to work and return only when they’re told to, or when the time comes for them to take care of kids.

    This can go both ways though. Some parents are particularly good at parenting and others aren’t. This can have an effect on who you marry and who takes care of your children when you’re no longer able to do so.

    The best way to be a good parent is to first be aware of what you want out of life and what you want out of your family. Read more…

    The importance of sex

    Our culture promotes sex as an important part of life, but how much we practice it in our everyday lives is another thing altogether.

    Our culture makes sex a mainstay in its portrayal of love and marriage, but is this really what we need to be focusing on?

    We live in a age where every man thinks he needs to have lots of sex, and every woman thinks she doesn’t. We live in a time where men are ashamed of having sex and women think they don’t enough. We live in a time where men are ashamed of being sexual and women think they’re too rough.We live in a time where men are ashamed of having sex and women think they’re too rich for it.

    The sacred search begins with love

    the sacred search: what if it's not about who you marry, but why?

    We can’t love someone without their qualities and strengths, right? Maybe not, but it makes a big difference how we begin our search for love.

    Do you think that people who find love in their search are the ones with the best qualities and strengths?

    I don’t think so. I believe that when two people find love, it changes them and each other in significant ways. It is what happens after that makes the difference.

    People who spend time in a relationship only in the mind of the person they are in love with. They don’t spend time thinking about what they want from this person, only what they want to give them.

    They don’t ask questions like What do you want from me? What do you want from me? What have you given me? They don’t think about these things until they are asked, which is very different.

    Start with self-examination

    the sacred search: what if it's not about who you marry, but why?

    Before diving into any specific types of sacred search, let’s start with a self-examination. Are you a person who seeks out sacred search experiences? Do you feel like you’re searching for something else when you engage with the world?

    If so, then there are several kinds of sacred search. The first is the silent search. You don’t talk about what you’re looking for, but somewhere in your mind, you know what you want.

    The second is the vocal search. You say to yourself, “I will find what I’m looking for if I keep searching.” That doesn’t work for many people, so we move on to the third kind of search: the noncompetitive one where we find something unique to us and our needs and desires.

    What are your goals?

    the sacred search: what if it's not about who you marry, but why?

    After identifying your goals, it’s time to figure out how to get there. It’s important to have a plan, but also to listen and respond to your own needs and desires.

    Achieving your goals is a two-way street. You must play your role in order for them to be met. If you are attending the event with the goal of meeting someone new, then of course that person must be on your list of accomplishments.

    As hard as it can be at times, having a goal is the best way to stay motivated.

    Who do you want to be?

    the sacred search: what if it's not about who you marry, but why?

    Do you want to be the person who makes other people feel comfortable and happy? The person who solves their clients’ problems with ease? The person who helps others feel like they are really important and get what they need.

    Do you want to be the person who inspires others to work hard and achieve their goals? The person who motivates others to take action.

    Do you want to be the person who brings out the best in people, no matter what role you play? The person who raises others’ expectations.

    Do you want to be the person that everyone else can trust? The person that can handle stress well? The person that can land a job even if they don’t have much experience? Then it would be time to find your sacred search.

    If your answer is yes to any of these questions, then it would be time for your next job interview. You need to show them that you can match their expectations – and only when they see this do they trust you enough to let them do business with you.

    Look to the traditions for guidance

    the sacred search: what if it's not about who you marry, but why?

    While modern Americans tend to value freedom and choice, traditions play a big role in shaping our culture and determining how we communicate, worship, and relate to one another.

    Traditional American cultures have a lot in common with each other, and traditional American cultures around the world have a lot in common with each other, which is why you can find people who follow nearly the same faith in virtually every country.

    The way you celebrate Christmas is probably more important than whether you celebrate it on December 24 or December 25. If you want to go with the old date, that’s okay — there’s still plenty to enjoy!

    If you want to go with the new date, that’s also fine — they’re just different things people do on Christmas day. There are no “rules” against going with the new date! It is simply more common to celebrate Christmas on January 6 than anything else.


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